The end is a beginning

beginning end ts eliotI saw this photo while scrolling through my WordPress reader and the concept keeps getting stuck in my mind. I have been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings lately, what they mean, how to identify them, how to avoid them, how to deal with them. There are about to be a lot of changes in my life, most from the choices I am making and I am having difficulty determining if there is one more big one that I should make. But I suppose if I think of the ending as a beginning to something new, potentially something better, then it’s not so scary or overwhelming. But if I think of it that way, what does that mean about all the time I spent doing what I am about to end?

I often find myself stuck in these cyclical phases, these thoughts that go round and round. I can’t always tell if it is just how my brain is wired to process information or if it’s a symptom of my OCD or if it’s something else entirely. But regardless, a thought will occur and it just keeps going, running on a track, tumbling in the dryer of my mind. Sometimes, I can push it aside and other times, I cannot. Sometimes, I can break free or call a friend to distract me, and other times, I sit and wallow and think and think and think.

Right now, I am on the brink of something major. I can see the path clearly in front of me. I know what I should do and I want to be strong enough to do it, and yet the tiny niggle of fear, of doubt is holding me back. Making me wonder what if. I don’t want to wonder that, I don’t want to care so much, I simply want to be happy and move forward. I want to make my choice, and stick to my choice, and accept my next beginning, the next step in my life. Knowing what you should do, knowing when to make an end a beginning is a part of being an adult, a part of growing and growing up; knowing your own mind and not being easily persuaded to change. Even by your own mind.

If an end is a beginning, then that should be nothing to fear.

If that’s the case, then why am I so afraid to do what needs to be done?

(Thanks to Matthew E. Nordin for making me stop and think.)

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